i don’t know if it was the grass or Valium but something tells me to get the fuck out of my head and move to western Canada. the devil, i said, as i do often in my sleep or times of heightened anxiety, "the devil has come to  break my balls and soon i will have none, so i better run." who knew if what i was saying was cowardly, righteous, or incoherent, for all three could work to my advantage. i lit a cigarette and rose up from my slumbering position. the car was small and cramped but it made for a good bed when all your strength has drained itself from a long days work. don’t let any working man tell you that window washing is a bum’s job. a bum’s job is lying on his ass begging for worthless pennies. what i am doing is a business with customers. customers i see everyday going to work, grocery shopping, and taking kids to school and baseball practice. this is a swell town, considering what a louse state we live in. people smile at me, give me dollars in change and tell me their names. no other place i’d ever been to was kind enough to ask for my name as i scrubbed the dried stuck on bird crap from their windshield. pay was lousy too.

christ, didn’t know wrinkled leather could leave a mark on your face.

we can be young
we can makeup our days
we can get it all back to our high school phase
we can remember
we can give in
we can pretend there is no better sin
we can relax
we can drink up
in our large store bought red plastic cups
we can turn red
our eyes can go glazed
we can party for days and days and days…..

what troubles me is my old time ways
wondering why men get in a craze
when they realize their youth was caught in the chase
and need to return to those old time ways

he squeezes out every memory
of a teenage history
asks me for mine so he can relive his
is it a pity?
or is it a trick?

when found myself in sleeping wake

my thoughts indulge, perchance to take

as scheming thieves in hardened tales

of locking locks and killer whales

when asked before if once alive

"fucking a" the thief replied

so into the deep this mask did go

a fierce facade of pulsing rouge  

did take the lady

did take the snow 

if its poison i’d take it anyway
for there is no greater strain
than awaking from a fast resolution
only to return to the reality of the situation
and how sad it is to accept
losing a friend
after finally finding yourself
(well, in the process of finding yourself)
you want to show them what you always could have been
instead of what you were
what you always will be in their head
so dream away little lover
like so many years before
and hope for the best
without your head interfering

it’s an easy life, for sure
with many memories
of watching fingers rolling
and sitting under trees
we watch the sun sneak in
like a girl in a spring dress
she will flourish and she will spin
to new wonders and splendidness
luring flowers from their cover
letting the warmth completely in
she will have you in a tizzy
when you realize where she’s been
but like so many springs before
we never ask where they have gone
we accept her evermore
as our child of the sun

sometimes i think its destiny
cause you make me feel like a celebrity
wild hair, but i’m sure you are one
don’t shave it off, baby, cause then you’ll have none
i can sense change
i’m sorry i don’t stand for that but
i’d move it all for your intellect
but some things stick when you leave your mouth open
shiny blue eyes, i can’t believe you’ve spoken
tell me you’re real, i don’t believe you are
hundreds of metallic strings hanging on the wall
and glass in the closet, you ask if i want it
i’d take it
but it won’t make it
i’m going somewhere else my blue eyed baby

and we can still keep touching
cause the world has left us wanting
and you can still keep asking
cause your intentions are distracting
i’m sure you have work to do too
you love it when everyone leaves the room

i fear you have gotten the best of me
my wild eyed celebrity

oh, we are the same
what a comfort to share a name
today we are men

i won’t walk to you
no matter how close you are
i
am no good thing but
you
want to make me believe i was
so we watch tv and smoke more of my bag
that i just bought
we laugh at the jokes we’ve heard countless times before
because we’re not really listening anymore

time?

dear everyone

i’m going to kill myself

zac

ps no one gets my organs

zac begins taking the meds in his bedroom. latenight. falls asleep. dream?

wakes up..pissed ofc. goes to friend.

zac: dude, what the fuck kind of weak ass drugs did you give me?

friend: [working/restacking coffee bags while talking]huh?

zac: the pain killers, dildo head, a whole bottle isn’t worth shit

friend:[slightly confused]you took the whole bottle?

zac: yea

friend: dude those were vitamins

zac: …you sold me vitamins?

friend: yea sorry dude i needed pot money

friend walks into kitchen

friend: [slightly yelling to be heard]

so you took the whole bottle, eh?

zac looks around, the cafe is slightly full, no one pays attention. all intellectual reading singles at separate tables.  zac goes into the kitchen, meets up with friend at loading dock to smoke cig

friend: cigarette

zac: no

friend:[smirking] that’s funny, you know dude?

zac: why? 

friend: you’d rather kill yourself and completely fuck with everyone around you who actually gives a fuck about you…instead of slowly killing yourself with this lovely cancer stick. that way its no one else’s fault but your’s.

zac: [pauses briefly] thats a fucked up way to think, you know?

friend laughs 

i discovered the meaning of life at 14

for i listened to the lyrics

and i was told of love

and without method or realism

i slipped into idealism

i discovered a man

greater than the cosmics

and the colors they consume

bigger than the son

bigger than the moon

and so i made him my groom 

dawn bounces off me

leaving a mark on my stomach

around the same time

i was blinded by the stars

clocks lose meaning

relativity breaks 

i wish to fill every second with a letter

and every minute with a revelation

every hour with a life

every day with a death

ice breaks by the last midnight 

reflecting and cutting my eyes 

i start all over again