talking with ben, he always helps when i’m frustrated, because he’s ben

i’ve been regreting a few things college related. i’ve been in and out of 3 colleges, not because i failed but because i got bored or sick of it and depressed. sarah lawrence i didn’t stay for more than a month before  i cracked…a series of accidents that came at the wrong moment. and who could know that all terrible things could happen at once?

simmons, was simmons. and its good that i didn’t stay cause then i’d still be in MA and not BC. at an all girls school. really overweight. lonely without my friends at the time. and head over heels for a rock star who ended up being a filthy slut

capilano was just a fucking joke. but its my fault. acting was never for me. it was a time passer for my youth. i was never that good at it, and because of that kindred will always haunt me. i figured the perfect persona for my character three years too late. damnit i made an ass of myself then.

but all three experiences could have followed through so well. its my own fault. my innability to stop obsessing and dwelling and doing what i want when i want. college, school, never for me. but i need something to do. i want to learn and flourish. its hard.

so i told ben, i just need to be social, i need to keep writing, and i need to take online classes. i wonder if this is all easier said than done 

i really need to start writing….anything. a screenplay, a short story, a story story. god damn it, anything. i think people should start spelling out god damn it, instead of goddammit. its the same thing, right? i have a few ideas going round in my head, but i feel so inadequate compared to people who are actually intelligent. i should just write…i just don’t know why i can’t. i guess i don’t want to. no matter what anyone thinks, i know i can write, and write and write…but i just don’t want to. grr, screenplay. grr effort. 

sometimes wordpress pisses me off, for example; no spellcheck, and won’t allow firefox to do spellcheck for it after it fully loads….but does allow it during its loading process…its a mystery indeed.  

THE IRIS