ugly is a word that should only be associated with cruelty. anything else, and you are not seeing the big picture. anything else, and you are not grasping the concept. anything else, and we might as well revert.

i’m not much for religion
cause i don’t like to feel trapped
i know i’m all wrong in the matter
i think flying is easier than wrath
but wrath is easier than falling
and falling comes from flight
crashing and a’crawlin
’til healing comes in sight
but you’re not much for religion
cause it’s in you all along
and if god is not in everyone
than everyone is wrong
this i have believed all along

the beautiful turn ugly
the ugly turn quiet
the rave turns somber
and everyone cools off

but i believe in the shining
without sounding too inane
there is certainly a connection
that helps us through the rain
this and more keeps us sane

but i refuse to follow words that have stolen my name

shalom rav al yisrael am’cha ta-sim l’olam

this morning anthony and i titled this year "the year of nothing" because we did absolutely NOTHING, and truthfully it ruined me. i have been a silly girl who has done a lot of silly things in the past year, had a lot of silly things happen to her, and let a lot of silly things drag on.

i guess what i’m trying to say is i feel a lot of remorse for the way i let my time in canada roll, and funny enough i had a terrific start here. i guess what happens inside and outside of a person is very different. i had a great outside life and a miserable inside one. that sounds obvious and cliche. but i have drowned myself in my own subconscious, and its not a cool clear subconscious, its a muddy pile of black tar that attacked all the baby seals. it sucks. it really sucks.

the problem with people like me is our obsessions turn into never ending regret. yup i’m jewish all right

but i am optimistic, and that is the most important. so i see a light at the end of the tunnel…talking bout cliches…..talking bout the advantages of living in vancouver.

i miss so many people, but at the same time i guess it’s easier to accept my losses than to try to figure out why i lost them i the first play. i am to blame, i know, i am sorry

sillyness

there are no easy answers
and there are no easy offerings
and no matter how much they try to convince you
there is no fast solution
there is no guardian angel

we need a hero
we need a sign
we need an offering
we need more time

we need a chasm
to hide away our pain
we’ll call it hell
and call it a night
and no one is to blame

oh rock n roll blew it
but baby you screwed it
and we’re left with a terrible mess
but you’re safe so long as blessed

oh jesus only knows why i even bother.

i was cruising thru the myspace friends and found myself on forrest lancaster’s profile, and saw your very rocking pic. and i thought, damn, this sucks. sucks because we have gone our separate ways (but with good reason). deep down i know it’s useless, but also deep down is the feelings of how un fun it’s been without you as a friend. also noticing that you never blocked me on aim, but never put down simpsons quotes anymore. i’m no detective, and never should try to be one, but come on….let’s be friends again

this is random but i just found out the simpsons episode with simpson and son’s patented revitalizing tonic  is on tv right right now, while i was typing this. i missed most of the episode because of this typing! see how you owe me? lol no no. but really what is important is the fact that my fiance and i were laughing our asses off at the thought of this exact episode this morning. laughing and laughing at grandpa’s "whats so unappealing about hearing your old man talk about sexxx, i had sexxxxxx".  serious psychic abilities mixed with hilarity. g’night z

what i love about people
is their ability to give and take
when initially accepting
a fatally flawed mistake

she loves the flow of reliability
without a hint of remorse or pity
and the sweetness that comes with being agreed
accepted as the the emperor of noodles and weed
dictating her playlist in newbury
this one is good, this one is free
hop back in the car for more noodles and weed
catch a good joke about zappa, then leave
finally time to take over as queen
wishing she was still a girl in coffee

i don’t know if it was the grass or Valium but something tells me to get the fuck out of my head and move to western Canada. the devil, i said, as i do often in my sleep or times of heightened anxiety, "the devil has come to  break my balls and soon i will have none, so i better run." who knew if what i was saying was cowardly, righteous, or incoherent, for all three could work to my advantage. i lit a cigarette and rose up from my slumbering position. the car was small and cramped but it made for a good bed when all your strength has drained itself from a long days work. don’t let any working man tell you that window washing is a bum’s job. a bum’s job is lying on his ass begging for worthless pennies. what i am doing is a business with customers. customers i see everyday going to work, grocery shopping, and taking kids to school and baseball practice. this is a swell town, considering what a louse state we live in. people smile at me, give me dollars in change and tell me their names. no other place i’d ever been to was kind enough to ask for my name as i scrubbed the dried stuck on bird crap from their windshield. pay was lousy too.

christ, didn’t know wrinkled leather could leave a mark on your face.

we can be young
we can makeup our days
we can get it all back to our high school phase
we can remember
we can give in
we can pretend there is no better sin
we can relax
we can drink up
in our large store bought red plastic cups
we can turn red
our eyes can go glazed
we can party for days and days and days…..

what troubles me is my old time ways
wondering why men get in a craze
when they realize their youth was caught in the chase
and need to return to those old time ways

he squeezes out every memory
of a teenage history
asks me for mine so he can relive his
is it a pity?
or is it a trick?

when found myself in sleeping wake

my thoughts indulge, perchance to take

as scheming thieves in hardened tales

of locking locks and killer whales

when asked before if once alive

"fucking a" the thief replied

so into the deep this mask did go

a fierce facade of pulsing rouge  

did take the lady

did take the snow 

if its poison i’d take it anyway
for there is no greater strain
than awaking from a fast resolution
only to return to the reality of the situation
and how sad it is to accept
losing a friend
after finally finding yourself
(well, in the process of finding yourself)
you want to show them what you always could have been
instead of what you were
what you always will be in their head
so dream away little lover
like so many years before
and hope for the best
without your head interfering